I want to choke him. but at the same time, i wanna run away with him and elope.

You want backstory?

Oh, i'll feed you, baby birds.

"D" is a guy that i am absolutely and hopelessly in love with. We met 3 years ago when i went to college. On my first day, he was the first person to invite me to hang out with him and his friends. Which is important to me, because i can't go up and start talking to a group of people to try to make friends. Im not shy, by any means, but i have a problem with rejection and "making the first move" even in friendships. It's pathetic. ANYWAYS. . . i got off subject.

D and i were inseperable for my entire first week at school. At the end of that week, D was going home on break for 3 weeks. Horrible timing. I missed him soooo much while he was gone. I had gotten attatched way too fast, and he had done the same. I would talk to him every night he was gone until I fell asleep.

I wanted to be so much more than friends, and so did he at the time, BUT my stupid low self confidence and fear of rejection and me basically being a fucking pussy made me miss the fact that he liked me too. I thaught he wanted a "just friends" thing, so i didnt hold out hope for anything else.

I found out just a few months ago that D was calling up his roomate "T" who was also a friend of mine, and asking him how i was and telling him to make sure to keep all the guys away from me becasue D really liked me, and was going to ask me out when he got back to school.

That little fucker T, backstabbed D and i wish i could go back and change what happened more than anything in my life. In the process of T "keeping an eye on me" i started to like him a little bit. (not nearly as much as i liked D) and one night while we were hanging out, he kissed me. I kissed him back because number one: i fucking love kissing, and number two: i didnt know D liked me as more than friends.

T and i started dating 3 days before D came back to campus. . . and broke up the next morning. (thats a whole diffrent story. haha) Some bitch that i didnt even know, called D and told him that i was with T and that D had lost his chance.

D was so upset and i felt like the biggest asshole in the universe. As many things as that boy has done in the past 3 years to rip my heart into pieces, none of it hurt as bad as seeing the pain in those chocolate brown eyes and knowing i had caused it. I begged and pleaded for forgiveness. I told him that i didnt know, and i told him about my insecurities, but nothing i said would heal his broken heart. He couldn't even stand to look at me.

D and i rolled with the same cirlcle of friends, so we were always around each other, and we were like the king and queen of popularity among the misfits. everybody loved us and everybody was rooting for us to be together, becasue they all could just feel how perfect a couple D and i would be. Even through the tension you could cut with a knife, they all felt the longing he and i had for each other. Anyone could see it in the glances we shot each other, or the way our eyes would light up the darkest of rooms just with the mere mention of the other's name.

But D never forgave me for breaking his heart, and in turn he ended up breaking mine.

He decided to deal with the pain, by trying to hurt me more. He dated several girls on center and made sure to rub every one of those slores (slut whores) in my face. So to retaliate, i would try to hurt him back. When he was around, i would make out with the most attractive guy in the vecinity. We got into screaming matches at least once a week, and between all the drama, there were the moments when he would grab me by my heart strings and make me feel like i could fly, only to kick me down the ladder again. We would have deep conversations about our feelings for each other and promise to stop trying to hurt one another, then be bickering again the next day and pissing each other off.

When he was leaving school to go back home, we had a talk like a week before he left and he asked me to go with him.

I turned him down and told him it was because i needed to finish school. Really, i turned him down becasue with how back and forth we were with the "i love you" "i hate you" thing, i didnt know if we could handle it.

I should've gone.

The past 3 years have been filled with phone calls. Screaming at each other and placing blame on each other for us not being together. We both were wrong and stupid. It started with a misunderstanding that was taken way too far.

Then there have been the phone convos where he completely mind fucks me. "I miss you, i love you. i remember what you were wearing the first day we met". . . all the sweet nothings that reel me in. And he would reel me in, only to fucking throw me back. To prove that he had the power over me to be able to make me yearn for him.

D had a girlfriend that had been on again off again with him for several years. They ended up getting engaged about a year ago. (That was a fun phone convo)

That fucking cunt. . . oh fuck. im so mad i can't even think of how to describe the way she treated him. Basically what im saying is that i am a million times better than her.

ANYWAYS

I talked to D last night for the first time in about 6 months. His fiance cheated on him and they're complete history he says. He also says he joined the Army. He also says, he wants me to go with him when he's stationed in Germany. Which means wedding bells would need to occur.

I love him with all of my heart, but i have too much pride to be a runner up prize.

I would always wonder if he loved his fiance more than he loves me and i would wonder if he really wanted ME, or if he wanted SOMEONE.

BUT if i dont do it, i will forever kick myself in the ass for not doing it. The "what ifs" would be the death of me.

   your actions yesterday were the final straw. your behavior was that of a child throwing a temper tantrum. i know you cant stand me being here, its no picnic for me either. i dont know what i have done to make you hate me, but be assured that i will be gone soon. as soon as my paperwork for school all goes through, i will be gone. and i will not look back. at least not on you. my only reasoning to come home will be for my father and for my nephew. i couldnt care less about anyone else.

   i have tried to get along with you and you fuck it up everytime. i dont know why you get so much satisfaction out of yelling at me and making me feel inferior, but i will not put up with it. i have shed enough tears, and been called a waste too many times. im off to better myself and prove you wrong.

   yes, i have had my share of fuck-ups, but i dont need reminded every single day. and half the things you get mad at me for are rediculous. you get mad because you think i stole your pills. when in actuality, you misplaced them. and i didnt even get an apology for the accusation.

you get mad because i dont do my dishes the exact second that i dirty them. its not like they sit there all day, 20 minutes maximum.

you get mad that i got a call and you didnt know where i was. its not my fault your too pigheaded to check my room. im not sitting by the phone all day when im expecting a call.

you get mad that the pans fell on the floor when you opened the cupboard. throw some of them out. its not neccesary to have that many, and its not my fault that im no houdini and cant fit them all in perfectly.

   you have done so many things to hurt me that you dont even realize because ive never called you out on them.

   my birthday this past year was ignored. yes, dad paid my half of my rent for my apartment, so i wasnt expecting a present. but what the fuck? no phone call, no card, no cake? no recognition at all? and it was my 21st for fuck sake. everyone in the family always gets at least a cake. your daughter got a cake this year even though she wasnt geting anything else because you baught all her books for school.

   dad and i were fine before you came along. for a while i dealt with your shit becasue you made him happy. now all you two do is fight, and its always over somthing that you start. im sick of you and im sick of your shit. if dad wants to keep you around, then fine, but im so out of here.

   sincerely,

     your red headed step child 

*Edit* --- and i fucking hate your dogs.